Tense. That's what I was for 16 months of my life, plus an additional year in the aftermath of my relationship with a psychopath. I didn't recognize that tension for what it was. All that drama caused me to walk around with my body stiff, especially my shoulders, though I didn't realize it. Isn't that odd? I slept in a fetal position with my hands fisted close to my body. My mind was constantly racing, trying to figure out what was happening and what I needed to do or say to make things right.
Abruptly the drama with him ended, but the emotional upheaval remained. I felt alone, lonely, bereft.
I don't think I was truly feeling lonely at all. The truth is, I'm very rarely alone in a household full of animals and children. I had adults I could talk to whenever I wanted. The immediate abuse went away, and so did the adrenaline my body was constantly pumping out as a defense mechanism. When the emotional disruptions and the constant stress subside, what's left? I think I had mistaken the lack of these things as a sense of nothingness.
I had forgotten how to relax and just BE. There was a time when I enjoyed my own company but now even that was gone. Quiet time alone became unbearable.
This time of healing has become a journey of self-discovery. I'm learning to like my own company again. I cherish these days that I'm not walking on eggshells. I absolutely love that I can do whatever I want, wear whatever I want, buy whatever I want, and say whatever I want without constant fear of disapproval. I'm discovering a sense of serenity that I never knew existed. I live my own life. There's no constant drama. It's often very peaceful and quiet. I'm not alone. I never was.
Lonely? Maybe I just wasn't accustomed to these things called "Peace and Quiet"
I didn't recognize that tension for what it was. All that drama caused me to walk around with my body stiff, though I didn't realize it.
Article Author: DawnG