No Contact

We stress "No Contact" here. There are good reasons for it, and this method of taking back your life and sanity is accepted and recommended by virtually all professionals helping people cope with abusive, manipulative relationships. Here's why this is the only way to go forward: You cannot begin healing your wounds until you break free of the fog of confusion their disorder creates around the people closest to them. You cannot break completely free of that confusion until you BACK OFF and give yourself a chance to think rationally again.

Here are the ground rules (add more in the comments if you have them!):

1. No calls, no texts, no emails, no Facebook, no Twitter. Stop looking at their Facebook pages. Stop creeping on their friends' Facebook pages. Un-friend and block them from viewing your pages. Block their phone numbers and their email addresses.

2. No “accidental” meetings. Stay away from the places they go.

3. Avoid places that remind you of him/her.

4. Don't discuss the ex with mutual friends and acquaintances. You may have to tell people to STOP telling you things. Stop keeping tabs on their lives - and don't give them the means to keep tabs on you. (This one has been particularly difficult for me, as we have so many mutual acquaintances in a small town). It's also a very bad idea to try to contact their exes and their family members. Really, don't do this. The risk of this blowing up in your face is too high.

5. Get rid of reminders. It probably isn't enough to just pack away photos and such - you know you'll go digging through boxes later. Delete emails, texts, photos from your phone and computer. Get rid of the stuff that he left behind. Get rid of the gifts he gave you in "good times" -- all two or three of them. DELETE this fake relationship from your life. It wasn't real. It wasn't love. It wasn't mutual respect and caring. Do you really want to keep physical reminders of something so bad?

6. Do not take the bait. Many psychopaths continue calling, texting, emailing, leaving voicemails after you've expressed that you want no more contact. These messages may be sweet and nostalgic, or they may be cruel and obscene. He may express a wish to "negotiate" your return. He might make beautiful promises. Remember that these people cannot change - you're going to end up (again) in a battle for control and you will be the loser. It's inevitable. If the psychopath contacts you with accusations please understand this is bait and he wants you to defend yourself so that he can keep you engaged. Find the resolve to resist engaging, even when he ramps up the attention. This is an attack on your new boundaries and he may be determined for a while to break those boundaries. He doesn't miss YOU, he misses controlling you and f*cking with your mind. That deep sorrow, that overwhelming feeling of loss he's expressing, it seems so genuine -- but that isn't real, sweethearts. He's panicking because he lost control and he wants desperately to get it back and get you back in line.

7. Avoid alcohol and any other mind-altering substances. One of the worst things you can do is go on an alcohol-fueled, middle of the night rant on his voicemail, or show up at his house drunk and demanding answers. Do you want to prove his "smear campaign" accusations that you're an out of control crazy person were correct? Do you want to get drunk and end up in either his bed, or some other predator's, because you've dulled your inhibitions? No, no you don't. As an added reason to avoid alcohol, etc., many of these substances ADD to existing anxiety and depression. Put the bottle away.

8. Reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends and your life. If you are suffering from severe emotional disturbances seek the help of a licensed mental health professional with training and experience in abusive relationships. You don't have to deal with all this shit by yourself. Talk to people. Thats' why we're here.

9. Don't contact him that one last time to let him know you know he's a psychopath, an abuser, a pathological liar, and a complete wanker. Really, he doesn't care what he is.


We understand that people here have children with psychopaths and are required to maintain "low contact" in co-parenting situations. We understand that some of you have unfinished financial business that has to be completed and are also required to go "low contact". We understand that some of you work with psychopaths. That's one of the things we need to talk about in the near future because there are ways to implement emotional low contact with them until you finally can go completely no contact in the future. NO CONTACT is still the ultimate goal, even if it takes time to get there.

Are you financially dependent on a psychopath? Is he controlling all the money, keeping you from working while you cater to his needs, so that you cannot leave? Have you been conditioned to believe you have no options? Nothing could be more wrong. You DO have options, even if they don't seem particularly enticing at the moment. It's far better to move temporarily to a women's shelter than to stay in a relationship where you are constantly abused, belittled, controlled, and manipulated by a person whose end goal is your complete capitulation and emotional destruction. I have the most dysfunctional family imaginable, but when I finally started talking about the abuse they came running to help. So what are your options? Do you need help finding them?

Every single one of us who has gone "no contact" will tell you that it's not easy. It takes real commitment to yourself and your own well-being. It's incredibly difficult to maintain in the beginning and it does get exponentially easier as time goes on. The longer we stay out the easier it becomes to find yourself again, or perhaps some will find a new, healthier you. Many of us will tell you quite honestly that we don't have any desire to speak with the psychopath now. It's over. Done.

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If you're here reading this today, you feel fairly certain that the person you've encountered is a psychopath, and you continue to stay enmeshed in this person's life, then you have to understand that you are willfully courting your own inevitable harm.