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The Constant

You experienced an abuser. Someone who manipulated this gift to cause pain. And now you want to know how to avoid them so it’ll never happen again.

  1. Peace
    This topic comes from the Psychopath Free book, which is available on Amazon!

    You know about psychopaths. You’ve got the red flags. So now, the big question: how do you protect yourself?

    Well, barring any major scientific advancements, you really can’t know for certain whether or not someone has a conscience. In fact, I don’t think there’s any approach that will allow you to spot a psychopath with 100% confidence.

    Fortunately, there’s a different way to keep yourself safe. And this one involves looking within. It will work with anyone, anywhere, anytime. It’s a question with answers—lots of them.

    “How are you feeling today?”

    Seriously, I’m asking you. Because most people might respond with a casual comment about their weekend, a promotion at work, or their favorite television show.

    But what about you? Perhaps you’re feeling empty? Broken? Hopeless? Maybe you woke up with that constant aching in your heart, eating away at your soul like a cancer. You spend the day trying to keep your thoughts free from painful topics—only to find that your mind keeps racing right back to them. Memories that once brought you so much joy now make you feel sick. You oscillate between anger and depression because you are unable to decide which one hurts less.

    Those are answers.

    So when you feel those things after a relationship, does it really matter if your ex was a psychopath, a sociopath, a narcissist, or a garden-variety jerk? The label doesn’t make your feelings any more or less valid. Your feelings are absolutes. They will endure, no matter which word you settle upon.

    And here’s what you know from those feelings: someone uprooted your life, introducing a new kind of anxiety that you’ve never felt before. A whole range of horrible emotions that make each day seem unbearable. During the relationship, you may have felt constantly on-edge and unhinged, worried that any mistake could mark the end of your dream. Maybe you found yourself desperately comparing yourself to other people, trying to win back your rightful place by your partner’s side.

    So I ask you again, does it matter if they were a psychopath?

    You already have everything you need to know—from your own feelings. You felt horrible around them, right? So during the relationship, why wasn’t that enough to confirm that they should have no place in your life?

    Because you were groomed and idealized. You were tricked into falling in love—the strongest of all human bonds—so that your feelings could be more easily manipulated.

    Toxic people condition us to ignore our intuition, and you must learn to trust it again. Instead of judging outwardly, perceiving inwardly. When we start focusing on our own feelings, this is where the healing begins. And if you are anything like me, you can agree on this simple truth: good people make you feel good and bad people make you feel bad.

    Everything else falls into place from there.

    Don’t listen to the folks who say your feelings should be totally independent of the world around you. If you’ve got an open heart, that’s impossible. As human beings, we have this incredible gift—the ability to make another person feel wonderful. With a word, a gesture, or a quiet smile. It’s what makes the world beautiful. A normal person would probably call this love.

    But you experienced an abuser. Someone who manipulated this gift to cause pain. And now you want to know how to avoid them so it’ll never happen again. You’re worried that you’ve become hyper-vigilant—untrusting of everyone and everything around you. You feel that you need a little something extra. Something beyond your intuition.

    So this is where I’d like to introduce the idea of a Constant. Your Constant will comfort and protect you throughout this book, and for the rest of your life.

    Think of someone you love. Someone who consistently inspires and never disappoints. It could be anyone—your mom, a close friend, a forum member, your children, your cat, a deceased relative. Really, anyone. You might feel that you have no Constant. Of course you do, you just have to dream one up really quick. Imagine a higher power in your mind—one that brings peace to your heart. Colorful, glowing, and full of life. Embodying all of the qualities you admire most: empathy, compassion, kindness. A gentle spirit who will always keep you safe. And viola, you have a Constant.

    So now that you’ve got a Constant in mind (tangible or imagined), I have some questions. Does your Constant make you feel unhinged? Anxious? Jealous? Does your heart rise up into your throat when they speak to you? When you’re away from your Constant, do you spend hours analyzing their behavior and defending yourself from hypothetical arguments?

    Of course not.

    So why is that? Why can one dismissive person make you doubt everything good going on in your life? What’s the difference between your Constant and the people who make you feel like garbage?

    If you can’t answer these questions quite yet, you’re not alone. And that’s the beauty of it all. You do not need to understand why you don’t like being around a person. You have a Constant, and that’s all you need to know for now. Self-respect comes later.

    Your Constant is a private reminder that you are not crazy, even when it feels like you’re taking on the entire world. With time, you will begin to filter out the people who make you feel bad. You realize that you do not need to put up with negativity when there is a Constant who brings out the best in you.

    Once you become more comfortable with the idea, you’ll be ready to ask the most important question of all: “Shouldn’t I feel this same kind of peace with everyone in my life?”

    Absolutely. So let’s get started.

    Read the next chapter: The Manufactured Soul Mate from the Psychopath Free book.

    I've written a new book about long-term healing. Whole Again is now published! If you would like to be notified about future books, you can enter your email address below. This is not a mailing list. Just a one-time notification:

Article Author: Peace