Grooming is Not Always Idealization: Indirect Persuasion

This topic comes from the Psychopath Free book, which is available on Amazon!

After they’ve idealized you, they’re ready to begin conditioning your behavior. Using indirect persuasion, psychopaths are able to make subtle suggestions that will ultimately be accepted by their victims. They maintain an illusion of innocence, since most people won’t believe “they made me feel these things.”

Have you ever noticed how psychopaths always insult their exes as a way to compliment you? Listen closely, they’re actually grooming you. By telling you “my ex always used to do this, but you never do”, they are telling you to behave a certain way. They are falsely flattering a trait that you might not even have. This is not a compliment—it’s a warning that if you repeat any of the ex’s alleged behavior, you’ll be discarded as well. The ex likely didn’t even do any of these things. It’s just a way for the psychopath to indirectly tell you how they expect you to behave. Here are some of the most common examples:

1. “My ex and I always fought. We never fight.”
2. “My ex always needed to talk on the phone. You’re not needy or demanding.”
3. “My ex would always nag me about getting a job. You’re so much more understanding.”

Let me say again: these are not compliments. They are expectations. Changes in your perception, to keep them free from inconvenient questions and accusations. To distance you from the truth. They’ve already come up with a checklist of human emotions that bother them, and now they’re planting the idea in your mind: don’t express these things, or else.

Normal, empathetic people do not make such comparisons about the people they love. And they certainly don’t keep a public tally for everyone involved to see. When you’re truly in love, you don’t need to convince yourself and others that this experience is better than all of your past experiences. Likewise, if you’re falling out of love, you don’t need to convince yourself and others that this experience is worse than all of your past experiences.

But psychopaths do this. Every single time. Because it’s a strategically ambiguous way to in-fluence your behavior. Now, when you fight, you will try to end it as quickly and pleasantly as possible so you’re not like their ex. When you haven’t heard from them in three days, you won’t call because you don’t want to be like their ex. When they’re sitting on their rear-end, unemployed for six months, you won’t say anything because you don’t want to be like their ex.

Any deviation from this plan, and you will receive the silent treatment or a sharp comment about your changed behavior—a reminder that the idealization could end at any time.

This is why most survivors feel so much anger after the abuse has ended. You’ve been shoving aside your own intuition and needs in order to be “nice”. You think you’ve been giving them some sort of special treatment that no one else can provide. And then suddenly they go running back to the very same people they once used to triangulate you. Meanwhile, you’ve been repressing the urge to tell them to get a job, or call more often, or just be a good partner. You pushed all of that away because you thought it was the only way to stay with them—to stay on their good side.

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