As I look back, I realize that the psychopath went out of his way to define me in disparaging ways. It wasn't only that he tried to insult me on occasion, but he continually worked at maligning my character, personality, body, soul, heart, and motherhood (did I leave anything out?). He tried to make me into a bad person so he could maintain control and have even more reason to insult me further. In reality, his definitions had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him.
Obviously his attempts to hurt me overall did work, and that's one reason I'm still typing away on this forum. But I have to say that I never did let him redefine me as the "fat ass, unloving, crazy, cold, no-fun nerd" that he wanted to create. I'd been around long enough to know that what he said just wasn't true. I was not his Frankenstein monster.
Still, part of my downfall was that I stuck around and tried to prove him wrong, instead of running for the hills. Little did I know that, actually, he didn't care who I was, and there was nothing that could be proved one way or another, because he is a psychopath.
By the way, "nerd" really meant "intelligence is unappealing."
"Crazy" meant "You caught me in lies but I'll blame you."
"No fun" meant "You don't want us to go out with my old girlfriend, and are ruining my triangulation game--which is the real fun."
"Fat ass" meant ""I will destroy your self esteem,"
"Cold and unloving" meant "You're turned off by my games, so I'll blame you."
Since then, I did learn something beneficial from that dynamic and now apply the lesson to my life in general. I simply cannot allow such behavior towards me whatsoever. Attempts by habitual put-down artists to undermine me and others stand out as plain as day, because now I have a physical aversion to it, possibly due to post traumatic stress. Now, no one tries to make me feel bad about myself, via direct or passive aggressive methods, and gets to stay in my life. I've actually kicked a few snot nosed "friends" to the curb, and I have NO REGRETS! NONE! The old me would have been riddled with guilt for tossing away someone who insulted me (backwards thinking), but I have zero tolerance for put downs these days.
For example, one friend constantly picked on things, such as "when we hug hello, your face is on the wrong side," "when I treated you to dinner, I was hurt because you didn't eat enough," "I'm sick and if you really cared, you'd ask how I am, on facebook." How can one honestly relate with someone like that? I used to try. I would be on edge as I tried to justify inconsequential trivia. And you know what? It was a harmful waste of my energy. The put-down artists always come up with something else anyway, because that's who they are! Who needs that? Like I said to one eventually, "I have plenty of friends who are nice and don't second guess my every move, so what do I need you for? We just don't get along, so I'm moving on." (Yes, I was that harsh, because she had it coming.)
Now I know that it is essential for my happiness and sanity that I do not allow anyone to chip away at me with their silly nonsense. As we all know too well, it's the chipping away over time that can make us lose ourselves and ultimately almost destroy us. We have to take care of ourselves every single step of the way, right now!
If someone tries to make us feel bad about ourselves, whether a psychopath or not, whether they consciously mean it or not, we needn't take it in and, if we have the choice, we needn't stick around to partake in destructive games. Even if they are on a learning curve in the grand scheme of life, we don't have to be their teacher or whipping boy at our own expense! Of course sometimes we do have to stay around negative people, for reasons such as love, family, and work, but it's essential to be aware of what is ours and what is not. If they dish any dirt at us, we can know that it's not about us, and can stand our ground solidly without needing to argue or prove anything. We can stand back and not jump into destructive patterns.
Luckily, these "types" aren't the majority (in my life anyway). There are people in this world who are caring and honest. Now, I surround myself with supportive people who have good intentions towards me and others, even on facebook. Of course there's a place for constructive criticism, learning, making mistakes, and helpful ideas amongst friends and family--so it's not about ego, expecting others to be perfect, or being right. It's about INTENT and the underlying desire for PEACE.
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The Psychopath and Put-Down Artists Tried to Define Me
He tried to make me into a bad person so he could maintain control and have even more reason to insult me further. But his definitions had nothing to do with me
Article Author: Victoria